


Darker Shade of Grey

by paxton1976



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Counseling, Depression, Happy Ending, Hitting Rock bottom, Irritability, Life Changes, M/M, Medication, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 14:10:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11419638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paxton1976/pseuds/paxton1976
Summary: Viktor's depression has hit rock bottom and only Yuuri can save him.Yuuri flipped the switch and watched light bathe the room, the sight before him heartrending.  He staggered to the bathtub and quickly spun the taps to stop the flow of freezing water.  He patted behind him, opening the door of the cabinet to grab a large towel, yanking it out and holding it in front of him.“Viktor?”Viktor lifted his head from bent knees and stared at him, Yuuri not able to tell where tears ended and icy water began.  Viktor was the epitome of agony, so broken and Yuuri didn’t know how to help.“Come on, Viktor,” Yuuri said softly, draping the towel across his shoulders and tugging on his forearms.Viktor fought him, physically pushing him away.  He dropped his head onto his knees again, weeping convulsively.  Yuuri waited until he ran out of strength before climbing into the tub and sitting next to him.  Placing a hand on Viktor’s arm, he racked his brain for every time his mother helped him during his own depressive episodes.“What do you want me to do?” he asked quietly.“Save me,” Viktor whispered through sobs.





	Darker Shade of Grey

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be for an event, but I withdrew from it this morning to take care of my PTSD relapse (cutting out unnecessary stress). The response disheartening, so I'm feeling a bit lost within the fandom. I'm going to have some decisions to make in the next weeks or so.
> 
> I have worked on this fic off and on since April, adding new bits as they came to mind. In May, everything changed. I had a severe PTSD relapse and it's still affecting me horribly. I finally sat down to finish this work and I found the perfect mindset. The song ["Savin' Me" by Nickelback](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPc-o-4Nsbk). That's where the lyrics are from. I wrote most of the rest of this fic through tears because I could feel it, I've been there before so many times. You just scream for someone to save you before you fall. I'm sure many of you can relate.
> 
> This is my perspective of Viktor's battle with depression. I see him ignoring it until he snaps. In doing so, he leans on the only person he truly trusts in his entire life: Yuuri.
> 
> I envy Viktor for having his 'you' in Yuuri. 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoy this fic and thank you so much for reading.
> 
> * * *

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxwritesyoi.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter](http://twitter.com/paxohana). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you. Oh, and we have TONS OF FUN!!

 

* * *

 

 _All I need is you, come please, I'm callin'_  
_And, oh, I scream for you_  
_Hurry, I'm fallin', I'm fallin_

 

* * *

 

The morning was cold and grey. The sun had been trying to peek out among the clouds hovering low over the city to no avail, the dismal day insisting on remaining. He watched the depressing, puffy clouds move slowly across the sky, mocking him. Losing his appetite, he walked into the living room and slid down the wall. Staring out the glass doors opposite him, he counted the fat drops that splashed onto the wood of the balcony.

Memories of the previous year assaulted him. He had been truly happy, the happiest he had ever been. He had flown to Japan on a whim. Most back home doubted his impulsivity to drop his career mid-season, choosing to help Katsuki Yuuri instead. He had questioned the decision himself but quickly realized it was the best thing that could ever happen to him.

But now he was back home.

At the Grand Prix Finals, yearning to return to the ice set in. He fought a battle within himself for the rest of the day. He wanted to compete, but he wanted Yuuri to remain with him. The young man had grown so important to him. He never wanted to let it go.

That evening was explosive. Yuuri had decided he wanted to end their relationship after Finals were done and something within him snapped. His worst fear was coming true. He couldn’t control the anger that rushed through him. He was so mad; mad at Yuuri for coming to such a selfish decision. Viktor knew he had his best interests at heart, but how could he not realize what was right included him?

When the competition ended, his heart soared when Yuuri confessed he wanted to stay with Viktor for another season. He was on cloud nine from Yuuri’s declaration, taking it a step further. He stated that if he was going to be coaching and competing, he expected at least a five-year commitment. Yuuri seemed to pick up on the subtle hint, tears shimmering in his eyes before embracing him.

They spent their final week together in Hasetsu, enjoying the other’s company. They’d be apart for almost a month. He was ecstatic Yuuri had offered to join him in Russia. Viktor wanted to continue under Yakov’s tutelage but had promised to coach him. Yuuri had made it easier on him since Viktor didn’t know how to approach him about leaving Japan.

When he returned home, he felt as if the world had fallen out beneath him.

Gone was his laughter, gone was his reason to continue his happy life. The dark cloud had returned, hovering over him constantly. He distracted himself by devising his most difficult routines to date, but the reminder of Japan haunted him. He started counting the days until Yuuri arrived.

Happiness returned when his ray of sunshine joined him in St. Petersburg, his reason for living returning slowly but surely. Even though he was overjoyed Yuuri was with him, a hint of sadness stayed within him. He hid the turmoil within; he had to be strong for Yuuri while he acclimated to Russia. Though he was used to being away from home, Yuuri knew very little Russian.

They spent the following days sightseeing around St. Petersburg and easing into a routine at the rink. His rink mates were kind to Yuuri, making Viktor breathe easier. Yuri gave him a hard time but Viktor knew it was because he had come to respect Yuuri. He hoped it would continue.

Yakov seemed to get satisfaction at working Viktor close to death every day. He had spoken with his coach several times about leaving him enough time to work with Yuuri, but the man ignored his requests. He would always tell Viktor he was his concern, not Yuuri. The last time Viktor confronted him about it, Yakov suggested he send Yuuri back home. He was here to make Viktor a champion again, not ‘that Japanese boy’. Viktor had snarled he wasn’t a champion to Yakov, he was just a paycheck.

He glided angrily across the ice, going through his short program and thinking. When he chose to return to competition, he didn’t think it would be like this. When he asked Yuuri to join him in Russia, he didn’t think it would be like this. He knew it would be rough competing and coaching, but he didn’t think it would be like this.

Now he was wondering if he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

The tears came faster than the rain falling from the heavy clouds.

 

* * *

 

When Yuuri woke up, Viktor was nowhere to be found. The apartment was quiet. He wondered if Viktor had gone out. They had decided upon a late start that day, not having to leave until early afternoon. Grabbing his glasses from the nightstand and putting them on, he stretched and got out of bed. After a quick stop in the bathroom, he made his way to the living room. When he turned the corner, he found Viktor sitting against the wall. He had an arm draped over his head, free hand clutching his bent knee. What broke Yuuri’s heart was the spasms racking the man’s body.

Viktor was crying.

Yuuri padded softly into the living room and lowered himself, sitting next to him. He placed a hand on Viktor’s knee, trying to lend him quiet strength. He had never seen Viktor like this. Viktor had told him it had been rough without him, now he was seeing a glimpse of it.

“What can I do?” Yuuri asked quietly, heart shattering further when Viktor shook his head.

Yuuri closed his eyes when Viktor rested his head on his shoulder, quiet cries turning into agonizing sobs. Viktor’s body convulsed with each breath he took, hyperventilation threatening to consume him. Yuuri lifted his arm and gently draped it around him, holding Viktor against him as he continued to weep. He had never been on this end of depression and didn’t know how to help Viktor. Thinking back to his battle with his own demons, he remembered what he wanted most from those around him, those he leaned on and supported him. Unsure if it would help, Yuuri knew what he had to do, what he wanted to do to try to ease Viktor’s mind.

Yuuri stayed with Viktor, staying silent and looking out the glass doors as the rain fell; feeling the tears from his best friend drop onto the growing dampness on his shirt.

 

* * *

 

Viktor gritted his teeth as he crashed onto the ice for the nth time that day, his heart not in practice today. He went through the motions of the routine but it lacked feeling. Yakov hounded him relentlessly throughout the afternoon, further increasing his stormy mood. He was trying not to take his anger and frustration out on Yuuri, but he was quickly reaching his breaking point.

“How was that, Viktor?” Yuuri asked, beaming as he skated up to him.

“Great, Yuuri, just great,” Viktor mumbled.

“Did you even see the jump?” he asked, raising a brow at him.

“I’ve seen you do it a hundred times already,” Viktor replied.

“This time was flawless though,” he said, “The landing was perfect.”

“I’m happy for you,” Viktor said, turning to leave the ice.

“Can I do it again?” Yuuri asked, “Will you watch this time?”

Viktor whirled around, slamming his toe pick into the ice roughly. Gliding to Yuuri quickly, he hovered menacingly over him.

“I’ve seen it before, Yuuri!” he roared, “Good job. You got it down pat. Keep doing it because you’ll fuck it up eventually. You always do!”

“V-Viktor,” Yuuri stuttered, absolute shock upon him and lower lip trembling.

“Just leave me alone. I’m going home.”

Feeling his blades dig deeply into the ice, he raced to the rail, slid his guards on and stomped to the locker room. He ignored the calls from Yuuri, ignored the surprised stares from his rink mates. He had to get out of there. He needed to be alone. He needed time to fall apart.

 

* * *

 

Viktor arrived at his apartment building just as the wind began to pick up, the chill numbing. He stood on the sidewalk, thankful it was mostly empty. The force of nature could batter him, maybe help him feel anything besides this desperation and desolation he couldn’t shake.

He looked to the sky when a cold, heavy drop hit his head, thinking it fit his mood and dark thoughts whirling in his mind. He was caught between the battle of self-pity and loathing himself. He had the world in the palm of his hand, how dare he sink to the depths of despair when everything was going so perfectly. He had Yuuri, he had revived his career since that’s what he felt he needed to make life complete.

He had never been more wrong in his life.

The drops fell harder until they became a deluge of icy water, Viktor only standing when the doorman insisted he come inside. The older man had seen Viktor like this a few times since he had lived in the building, always feeling bad for him when he was down but had never seen Viktor this bad. He guided Viktor to the elevators and asked if he needed anything to be brought to him, Viktor declining absently and shuffling into the car when the doors opened.

The ride to his floor was short, Viktor stumbling out of the elevator and down the hall to his apartment. He felt horrible, wanted to tear the unease from him physically. He felt so hopeless and didn’t know what to do, falling to his knees in the living room and screaming loudly. He ran out of breath, falling onto his hands and breathing heavily as sobs erupted from him. He was tired of being in this pit, so afraid his reason for living was waning away. He knew he needed help but didn’t know how to ask. The only one that would understand was Yuuri, but he didn’t want to worry him while he was acclimating to his new life in Russia. It was getting more difficult to hide it from him, however, and he knew he had reached his breaking point.

He had to tell him tonight.

He quelled the desperation within him, turning it to absolute numbness. Lifting himself from the floor, he turned every light off in the apartment, turned the heat down and retreated to the bathroom. He didn’t see Makkachin dart into the room right before he closed the door, but heard him whine as he turned the tap for the cold water on.

“Your daddy doesn’t know what to do anymore, Makka,” he whispered, tears falling as he turned the light off and climbed into the tub, fully clothed and slumping against the ceramic. The icy water numbed him just like his mind numbed his entire being. Frustrated and not knowing what to do next, he pulled his knees against him and wept.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri returned home after dark. His new rink mates advised him to give Viktor space, though he already knew that’s what Viktor needed. He was torn. Viktor had always been there for him even if he didn’t know how to handle him and Yuuri wanted to be there for him in his time of need.

He had known the minute he met Viktor at the airport something was wrong. Gone was the spark in his arctic blue eyes. Gone was the jubilant smile that had been frozen on his face the previous year. Viktor tried to pick up where they left off, but Yuuri could tell he was guarded. He wanted to help his best friend, but he wanted to let Viktor come to him. No matter what it was, Yuuri would meet him where he was.

Weeks had passed, Viktor spiraling further into a darkness only he could see. It became more difficult for him to attempt cheerfulness. More often than not, they would sit in the living room in silence. On opposite ends of the couch, they would scroll through their phones or read a book. When words needed to be said, they were terse and quick sentences.

While Viktor had reached his breaking point that afternoon, Yuuri had hit his as well.

He was plunged into darkness when he stepped through the door. Fumbling with the lamp on the accent table, he turned the knob and cast the living room in soft shadows. It was quiet, leaving him to wonder where Viktor was.

Yuuri shrugged out of his jacket but immediately regretted it when he hung it in the closet, feeling the chill in the apartment. Rubbing his arms to stave the cold off, he went into the hallway to adjust the thermostat. Seconds later he heard the click of the furnace as it whirled to life, but he heard another noise: A faint whine.

He turned and walked to Viktor’s room. It was shrouded in darkness, but the sliver of light from the living room didn’t reveal the line of a figure in the bed. He stopped when he heard the whine again. He picked up on another sound, this one softer but constant. Walking towards his room, he paused outside the bathroom door when he reached it.

Makkachin was in there. They must have locked him in accidentally before they left.

Yuuri opened the door and braced himself right before the poodle crashed into him, rubbing the dog’s ears and whispering happily to him. He would have to feed Makkachin soon as he was sure the poodle was famished. He took a step back, but then heard the other sound.

Running water. Water splashing against ceramic.

Yuuri flipped the switch and watched light bathe the room, the sight before him heartrending. He staggered to the bathtub and quickly spun the taps to stop the flow of freezing water. He patted behind him, opening the door of the cabinet to grab a large towel, yanking it out and holding it in front of him.

“Viktor?”

Viktor lifted his head from bent knees and stared at him, Yuuri not able to tell where tears ended and icy water began. Viktor was the epitome of agony, so broken and Yuuri didn’t know how to help.

“Come on, Viktor,” Yuuri said softly, draping the towel across his shoulders and tugging on his forearms.

Viktor fought him, physically pushing him away. He dropped his head onto his knees again, weeping convulsively. Yuuri waited until he ran out of strength before climbing into the tub and sitting next to him. Placing a hand on Viktor’s arm, he racked his brain for every time his mother helped him during his own depressive episodes.

Hiroko never tried to make it better and never offered advice, she was simply there. The only words she ever uttered were ‘I’m here for you’. That’s what Viktor needed.

“Viktor, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m here for you,” Yuuri said softly.

His heart broke further when Viktor looked at him, eyes full of pain and confusion. Yuuri saw the plethora of emotion threatening to overtake his best friend. He was afraid. Yuuri was afraid for him, not knowing how much strength Viktor had left.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked quietly.

“Save me,” Viktor whispered through sobs.

Yuuri felt the pinpricks of tears in his own eyes as he watched the flood fall from Viktor’s. He clutched at Yuuri’s sweater and fell against him, moaning through breathless sobs. Yuuri wound his arms around Viktor, holding him against his body. He closed his eyes, silently promising to stay with Viktor forever if it helped him.

 

* * *

 

 _Show me what it's like_  
_To be the last one standing_  
_And teach me wrong from right_  
_And I'll show you what I can be_  
_Say it for me, say it to me_  
_And I'll leave this life behind me_  
_Say it if it's worth saving me_

 

* * *

 

The night was long and emotionally exhausting. Yuuri stayed with Viktor, lying in bed listening to him talk or holding him when crying jags racked his body. He listened to Viktor talk about his innermost thoughts and feelings. Yuuri was relieved when Viktor admitted he didn’t want to take the ultimate step and end his life, but he had hit rock bottom. He had nothing left to give, had no reserves to fall back on.

Viktor eventually fell into a fitful sleep, Yuuri wrapping his arms around him and holding him. He knew his best friend needed the comfort of another. Viktor had thanked him for his presence and for being his sunshine in the miasma of shadows he was stuck in. Yuuri was touched when he received the first real smile from Viktor since arriving in Russia. He told him it was going to take time for him to feel better, but Yuuri had faith he could do it. Viktor was strong and dedicated to anything he set his heart and mind to. Yuuri told him he’d be there every step of the way, no matter if it took a hundred years. Viktor laughed as he wiped away tears, hugging Yuuri moments later.

Once Viktor drifted to unconsciousness, Yuuri looked to the edge of the bed. Makkachin had been on the floor while they had talked, whining quietly. He knew something was wrong with Viktor and wanted to help, the dog being Viktor’s closest companion besides himself. Yuuri gave the poodle a half-smile and patted the bed. Makkachin panted happily and jumped onto the bed, stomping over his owner to get to Yuuri. He scratched the top of the dog’s head and dropped a kiss on his nose.

“Makka, Dad’s not feeling well,” Yuuri explained, “I think we need to help make him better.”

The dog whined as he wagged his tail.

“I’m glad you agree. I’m going to need your strength tomorrow, Makka. I need to take care of a few things I’m not entirely comfortable with, but they need to be done,” he said, looking at Viktor.

Makkachin squeezed between the two men and laid down, resting his head on Viktor’s side. Yuuri ran his free hand down the dog’s back until he grew tired. Shifting himself until he was lying down, he waited until the poodle was at the foot of the bed before moving closer to Viktor. Winding an arm around Viktor’s waist, Yuuri pulled him closer.

“I’m here for you, Viktor,” Yuuri whispered, “I’ll try to be the strength you need.”

 

* * *

 

The next morning began before the sun peeked over the horizon, Yuuri waking to make breakfast. He had been watching Viktor since he arrived in Russia and knew he hadn’t been eating well. While Viktor didn't let him know how much, Yuuri knew he had lost a significant amount of weight in a short period.

When breakfast was finished and set on the table, Yuuri returned to Viktor’s room to wake him. He slid into bed next to Viktor, running his fingers through the soft grey tresses until Viktor’s eyes fluttered open. Giving Viktor a smile that told him how grateful he was that he was in his life, Yuuri told him good morning and that breakfast was waiting. Viktor started to protest, but was silenced by a finger over his lips.

“I know you’re not hungry and it will probably taste like sawdust,” Yuuri said, “but you need to try. The first steps are always the hardest. Believe me when I tell you I know from experience, you’re going to really hurt these next couple weeks or so. Everything is going to be agony but you won’t get any better until you try. I’ll be here for you every step of the way, Viktor. I promised I’d help save you.”

Viktor felt a single tear trail down his cheek as he listened to Yuuri speak, wondering how he deserved this kind man in front of him. He let Yuuri help him from bed and lead him to the kitchen, sitting at the table. Yuuri had made one of his favorite breakfasts he had missed while in Japan: spinach and egg white omelet, English muffins with strawberry jam and orange juice. Viktor was touched Yuuri remembered, felt a flicker of happiness fall upon him as he inhaled shakily.

“Everything alright?” Yuuri asked as he sat at the table.

“You remembered,” he said quietly, looking at him and seeing Yuuri’s smile.

“I did,” Yuuri echoed, placing his hand on Viktor’s, “It’s part of you, it’s something you love. I remember just about everything you’ve told me. I think you need to be reminded of what you love, Viktor.”

“Thank you,” he said, lifting his fork, “Itadakimasu.”

After breakfast was finished, Yuuri helped Viktor call his physician to schedule an appointment that day. The office was able to fit him in later that morning. While Viktor was grateful he’d be seen soon, he was petrified of getting everything in the open and facing his demons. He’d buried them for years as he continued to add to his collection of medals, ignoring them until the banquet at Sochi. Yuuri had opened his eyes and shown him what he was missing, what he truly deserved in life. After flying to Japan and spending time with Yuuri, Viktor knew he never wanted to let go. He wanted and needed Yuuri in his life forever. With the joy came the further repression of his sorrows, soaring to the surface the minute he stepped onto Russian soil without Yuuri.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Viktor admitted quietly as they sat on the couch, leaning against Yuuri as he ran his fingers through Viktor’s hair.

“I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be difficult but I know you can do it. I’ll support you and I’m sure everyone else will as well,” Yuuri said.

“Yuuri?” he asked.

“Hmm?”

“Is it worth saving me?” Viktor asked, lifting his head to look in Yuuri’s eyes.

“More than anything,” he confessed, smiling gently at him.

They spent the remaining time on the couch, Yuuri holding Viktor and whispering words of encouragement when he shook with fear. Viktor confessed he hated feeling like this, hated feeling so weak. Yuuri argued he was far from weak, telling him his breakdown was caused by him being strong for so long.

The doctor’s appointment went better than expected. Yuuri knew mental health services in Russia were abysmal and didn’t expect much. When he met Viktor’s doctor and realized she had come from America, his outlook on Viktor’s treatment improved. While the country didn’t have the medication available that The States did, she prescribed an anti-depressant and something to calm Viktor’s nerves. She made Viktor agree not to take the anti-anxiety medication for too long, however, as it had devastating long-term side effects. When Viktor asked for a timeframe he’d be taking each medication, she told him she didn’t want him taking the anxiety medication longer than two months as long as he enrolled in therapy. Viktor was saddened when he found out he’d more than likely be on anti-depressants for a while, but she couldn’t give him an estimate. While he had a difficult time handling the idea of medication, he felt his face drain when she told him he needed at least two weeks off from training. Viktor argued with her, telling her he had a competition in less than a month. The doctor waited for him to finish speaking, staring him dead in the eye and asked him what was more important: His mental wellbeing or another gold medal to add to his collection and eventually collect dust.

They left the doctor’s office with prescriptions in hand, stopping at the pharmacy to fill them before heading to the rink. It was a short walk but it took longer than usual, Viktor dragging his heels as he stared at the sidewalk.

“What’s on your mind?” Yuuri asked, stopping to wait for him to catch up.

“This is the part I dread the most,” Viktor admitted, heart racing as they drew closer to the rink, “I’m worried about talking with Yakov.”

“I’ll be there to help, Viktor,” Yuuri said, grabbing his hand and squeezing, “We’ll make him see reason.”

 

* * *

 

“You’re late, Vitya!”

Viktor cringed when he heard his coach bark at him. He had barely made it inside and the man was yelling at him. Turning his head and smiling weakly when he felt Yuuri’s hand on his shoulder, he took a deep breath and walked across the rink.

“Why aren’t you dressed down?” Yakov growled.

“I need to speak with you,” Viktor said.

“We can talk after practice. You have less than a month left before Worlds.”

“This is important,” Viktor said, trying to muster strength he didn’t possess.

“So is practice,” Yakov said, staring his skater dead in the eyes, “Get it in gear. Now.”

“Please listen, Yakov,” he begged, “It’s important.”

“It always is with you. Ice. Now!”

“Viktor,” Yuuri said, putting his hand on his best friend’s elbow, “How about you go to the locker room? Get everything you’re going to need for the next week.”

“But…I…” Viktor said, stuttering in frustration.

“It’s ok. I’ll take care of it,” Yuuri stated, giving him a reassuring smile and waiting for him to walk away, “Viktor needs at least a week off.”

The man laughed at him.

“I’m serious, Yakov,” Yuuri said, “He’s depressed and has hit his breaking point. He needs time off or he’s not going to make it.”

“He’ll be fine,” he scoffed, “He’s been in worse binds and always made it through.”

“You didn’t see him. He needs this time off, Yakov. I’m serious.”

“So am I,” he replied, turning and giving Yuuri an icy stare, “He can have all the time off he wants after Worlds.”

“Please,” Yuuri begged.

“You heard me. Go get Viktor.”

Yuuri saw red suddenly. He knew Yakov pushed his skaters to achieve the best from them, but he never realized the man was heartless. Clenching his fists, he counted to three as he summoned as much courage as he could.

“Now you listen to me,” he spat, locking gazes with the coach, “I tried to be nice. I tried to explain Viktor needs time to sort things out and get better. You don’t want to listen to me when I tell you he seriously needs help.”

“Who do you think you…” Yakov snarled before being interrupted.

“Now it’s my turn!” Yuuri exclaimed, ignoring the other skaters looking at them, “Viktor is taking at least a week off. He is going to rest and get the help he needs. You will not bother him since you’ll make it worse. If you have a problem with it, you will call me if you can discuss it in a calm, rational manner. Do I make myself clear?”

“After this season, you are no longer welcome in my rink,” the man said in a low voice.

“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem,” Yuuri said, staring at Yakov a moment longer before turning and walking away.

Yuuri was shaking when he met Viktor in the locker room. He was sitting on a bench in front of his locker, staring at the open metal door. Smiling sadly as he made his way to Viktor, he sat on the bench next to him and patted his knee.

“How about we empty it, clean everything and then bring back what you’ll need later?” Yuuri suggested.

“Ok,” Viktor replied, nodding absently before looking at him, “Did he give me the time off?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri said, standing to empty the contents of the locker into the bag, “Ten days. We’ll get you in to see a psychiatrist and maybe schedule you to speak with someone.”

“I’ll be fine, Yuuri,” he said.

“No, Viktor, you won’t. You scared me last night. I don’t want to see you like that again,” Yuuri admitted, “I hate seeing you like this. Believe me when I say talking with someone will help you.”

“I have you,” Viktor said quietly.

“I’ll listen to you all day long,” Yuuri said, crouching in front of him and smiling at him, “but you need to speak with a professional. They can help you in ways I can’t.”

“It’s a start though,” he said, giving Yuuri a half-hearted smile.

“It is,” Yuuri agreed, “and I’m so proud of you for taking this step. The first is always the hardest. Let’s get everything packed and go home. I think you’re getting close to reaching your limit.”

After grabbing Viktor’s favorite pair of skates from the bottom of the locker and his training jacket, they exited the locker room. Mila and Georgi were chatting nervously against the rail and glanced at them, Mila smiling and giving them a friendly wave. Yuri chose to go over his free skate program since he was running out of time and wanted to beat Viktor for the gold.

Yakov completely ignored them.

“Is Yakov upset with me, Yuuri?” he asked as they walked out of the building.

“He’s not happy, but when is he?” Yuuri said, smiling at him, “I say we go home and I’ll make your favorite for dinner.”

“Katsudon?” he asked, becoming animated at the thought of his new favorite meal.

“Chef salad,” Yuuri said, rolling his eyes but heart soaring when Viktor sounded hopeful, “After Worlds, you can have katsudon.”

“Yuuri, I’m sorry,” Viktor said sadly, stopping to look at the sidewalk.

“For what?”

“I’m sure you didn’t think St. Petersburg would be like this. You having to take care of your coach,” he admitted.

“I’m taking care of my best friend, Viktor,” Yuuri said, placing a hand on his shoulder, “Worlds can go to hell. You’re more important than a medal.”

“Thank you so much, Yuuri,” Viktor said, “I don’t know what I’d do without you. Actually, scratch that. I do know and I fell apart. If you’ll have me, if I’m still worth saving, I’ll leave this behind. I thought it’s what I wanted, but now I know it’s not important.”

“Let’s discuss this once you get your meds and a few counseling sessions,” Yuuri admitted, “The worst thing you can do right now is make a rash decision. When you’re ready, I’ll help you weigh pros and cons, preferably with your counselor there.”

“Ok. Home? Suddenly I want to cuddle with Makkachin,” Viktor stated.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

 

* * *

 

The month until Worlds was tense. Viktor was glad he had ten days off from practice but Yuuri was cryptic when he asked how. Viktor had relinquished his phone at Yuuri’s request, sending a quick message on his social media that he needed a break to focus on his performances at Worlds. Everyone in his inner circle knew better though. Mila came over a couple times and brought dinner, asking Viktor how he was and if there was anything she could do to help. She never brought the rink up in conversation nor did she tell Viktor anything about Yakov. Yuuri’s respect for the young woman grew during her visits. Georgi texted Yuuri’s phone every morning wishing both a wonderful day, always attaching a picture of Makkachin he had taken over the years. The smile from Viktor when Yuuri handed him his phone was worth more than all the diamonds in the world. He still had a long way to go, but he was making that slow trek from his pit of hell.

Yuri texted every evening after practice and told them they were assholes but he wanted to come over to eat. Yuuri had a talk with the teen before he allowed him to the apartment about Viktor’s condition and what constituted support. Yuri told him he couldn’t blame Viktor for falling off the deep end. He knew Viktor had been completely happy in Hasetsu and found a purpose for living. Yuri was furious Yakov was trying to rip that purpose to shreds for the sake of another medal in his coaching career. While Viktor and he had his differences, Yuri couldn’t stand the way Yakov was treating him and would be making serious decisions of his own by the time the season ended.

Every day started the same. Yuuri made Viktor a balanced breakfast and set it on the plate before walking to his room, sitting on the edge of the bed and running his fingers through Viktor’s soft hair. The smiles grew brighter each day when he opened his eyes and saw Yuuri. He didn’t complain as much when Yuuri told him breakfast was done, but would get out of bed without grumbling and follow him to the kitchen. They’d chat about things they would like to achieve that day and the three things Viktor chose to make him smile when he was down.

After eating and cleaning the kitchen together, they’d bundle up and take Makkachin for a long walk. Often, they’d stop at the glassblower’s shop and Viktor would ask what the elderly man was working on next. Viktor explained his mother loved blown glass but most of her collection had been lost when she passed away. He would gaze longingly at the pieces for sale but never brought himself to buying one, thinking it would be yet another trinket that would collect dust in his meaningless life.

“Viktor,” Yuuri said softly, getting his attention.

“Hmm?” he asked, turning around to look at him.

“Find one you really like,” Yuuri said, “I’ll buy it for you.”

“It’s just a knick knack, Yuuri. It’ll collect dust like everything else in my apartment.”

“Think of it as the beginning of your new life, a happier life,” Yuuri suggested, “It can be your focal point to change your goals.”

Viktor looked around the various shelves, pressing a finger against his lips as he decided. There were so many that interested him, but he wanted to find one that symbolized the life he wanted, one with Yuuri in it forever. He looked up and his eye caught a larger piece, a heart ensconced in crystal but a rainbow falling from the sky and touching it. He felt himself choke up as he summed up everything he felt: He was the heart, stuck in something so dense and impossible to rise from but the rainbow was going to save him.

“I want that one,” he said, pointing at the piece.

“I like it,” Yuuri said when the shopkeeper brought it to the counter and boxed it up.

“I have the perfect spot for it,” Viktor said, his mind a thousand miles away.

 

* * *

 

He had counseling sessions for an hour three times a week and it made Yakov livid. He wanted to yell at Viktor for being so needy and demanding during season, but the day prior to Viktor’s return Yuuri had taken him aside. He told the man if he pushed Viktor like he had and gave him a difficult time about being away or taking time for himself, they’d walk away and Yakov would be without his precious Ice King. While everyone knew Yuuri as a meek, shy man, when it came to Viktor he was as vicious as a cornered wolverine. Yakov despised being told what to do regarding his skaters but knew Yuuri would make true on his promise. He just had to grin and bear it for a couple weeks.

The rest of the Russian club was very supportive of Viktor and accommodated him, even Yuri toning down his yelling. They didn’t realize what bad shape Viktor had been in the night Yuuri found him in the shower, but they knew he couldn’t keep going like this. While Viktor hadn’t mentioned retirement, it was on everyone’s mind.

Yuuri and Viktor kept to an eight-hour day in the rink though Yakov demanded more. Once the clock hit six in the evening, they left the ice and changed. Yuuri would ask how Viktor’s day was, Viktor laughing at him when he told him he had been there. When Yuuri told him he didn’t know what was going on in his head, Viktor would smile softly and tell him.

“Today it was one of my three things to make me happy,” Viktor said, “When Yakov told me to act like the champion I was, I thought about the thing that made me the happiest in life.”

“That’s great, Viktor,” Yuuri said, glad he was practicing his work his counselor assigned, “What was it today?”

“I have one that’s the same every day,” Viktor admitted, smiling bashfully, “I thank my lucky stars for hopping on that plane and joining you in Japan. You make me the happiest, Yuuri.”

“I’m glad to help, but I don’t know if your counselor meant it to be a person,” he said.

“Listen,” Viktor said, trying to think how to explain, “You accepted me for me, though you were a hardcore fan you didn’t treat me like a star, we have fun together. You showed me what’s important in life and you still do. You see me as a person and make me realize I’m worth fighting for. I don’t want to know where I would be without you in my life.”

“You don’t have to,” Yuuri said, patting his hand, “How about we go pack since we leave the day after tomorrow?”

“I don’t even want to do this,” Viktor said, sighing.

“I know, but I’m proud of you for trying. You can withdraw if you want.”

“My fans would be upset,” Viktor said.

“You come before your fans, Viktor,” Yuuri said, smiling at him.

“Let’s go pack.”

 

* * *

 

Worlds showed Viktor who were his true friends and who weren’t. He had come in second, only beating Yuri for the silver by .03 of a point. Yakov was infuriated, shouting why did Viktor waste his time to come back only to win a flimsy silver. He should have broken records, should have decimated the competition.

Jean-Jacques ignored him the entire competition when he usually was at Viktor’s heels every chance he got. He had overheard the pompous Canadian saying he was a washout and had no sense being here, he had grown weak in Japan. The other coaches shook their heads in pity as they watched him on the ice or passed him in the hallway, all except for Celestino. He had seen Viktor’s signs in Yuuri many times while coaching him and knew what Viktor was going through. Celestino had pulled Viktor to the side one evening when he was feeling particularly low after coming in fourth in the short program. The flamboyant Italian told him to try his best and concentrate on himself, do what he knew he was capable of. If he didn’t give a stunning performance but gave it his all while focused, he had won no matter what. After entering his cell number into Viktor’s directory, he told him good luck but do what he needed most. Viktor was speechless as Celestino walked away.

They decided to skip the banquet that evening since Yuuri knew Viktor wasn’t in the mood for celebrating. They had a quiet dinner at a nearby bistro with Chris, Yuri, Phichit and Otabek before retiring to their hotel room. When Yuuri opened the door and let them in, Viktor took his jacket off, dropped it on the floor and fell onto the bed. He could hear Yuuri moving around but didn’t say a word. Though he had been on anti-depressants for a month and had been doing well in counseling, his mind was going to the darkest place.

“Did I do something wrong?” Viktor asked.

“Not at all,” Yuuri replied, “Why do you think that?”

“You won gold at Worlds. That’s no easy feat, Yuuri, and I kept you from celebrating,” he explained.

“Spending it quietly with our friends is much better than a banquet” Yuuri said quietly, sitting on the bed next to him and taking his hand, “I didn’t want you to be bothered at the banquet for not doing what everyone thought you would. With everything you’ve gone through, Viktor, I’m so proud of you and you did absolutely wonderful.”

“It’s just a silver,” he grumbled, twirling the neckband around his finger.

“Lies, Viktor,” Yuuri teased, grinning when he was confused, “That’s platinum. It’s better than gold.”

“There you go saving me again,” Viktor said, smiling.

“It is what friends do,” he reminded him, “but I do remember what a certain coach of mine said if I won gold.”

“What’s that?” Viktor asked, sitting up as the memory took hold.

“How much you wanted to kiss my gold,” Yuuri said, lifting it between them.

“I did, didn’t I?”

Viktor sat up further and took Yuuri’s medal though it still hung around his neck. He read the inscription on the medallion, pressing his lips against it. Looking up, he caught Yuuri’s smile and lifted his head until their faces were inches apart. Shock fell over Yuuri as Viktor closed the distance and skimmed his lips over his, grabbing the back of his head and kissing him sweetly. While it was everything Yuuri dreamed about for so long, he didn’t want to confuse Viktor more than he already was. Pushing away, Yuuri put some distance between them.

“What was that?” he asked.

“I’m kissing my gold,” Viktor said, “When I have counseling later this week, I want you in the session. What I have to say is very important to me, to us. It’ll all make sense then.”

“Alright,” Yuuri said calmly though he was in turmoil.

“Though we’ve been doing it at home for a while, can we sleep in the same bed? Today was rough and I felt like I let so many down. I’m not feeling like the best person today,” Viktor requested.

“Viktor, you’re the best person I know,” Yuuri said, changing quickly and shutting off the lights before climbing into bed, “Don’t ever doubt that.”

 

* * *

 

“Yuuri, Viktor and I have been working through his goals and what he wants out of life,” the counselor said, “He’s had to work hard to discern between a quick fix or something worth working for. I think he’s come up with a marvelous plan and wants to share it with you.”

“Ok,” Yuuri said, looking at Viktor and smiling.

“Viktor?”

Viktor closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his mind going back to when he stepped off the plane without Yuuri. The feeling didn’t go away but had grown worse since he arrived, finally coming to a head the night in the shower. Yuuri had been there for every step of the way, did everything within his power to help Viktor and make his life easier but not doing everything for him. He told Viktor he needed to do the work and while it was going to be the hardest thing he’d ever done, it would be worth it and make him so much happier.

“Remember the blown glass piece we bought a couple weeks before Worlds? The one you keep bugging me about unpacking?” he asked, watching Yuuri nod, “I know where I want to put it.”

“Where?”

“The mantle in our room,” Viktor said.

“The only mantle is in the living room,” Yuuri stated.

“Not in Hasetsu,” Viktor declared, watching Yuuri’s eyes grow, “I want to go back to Japan to stay, Yuuri. This was a wake-up call of what I’m not supposed to be doing anymore. The only thing keeping me somewhat together besides counseling and the medication is you. I want to go home, Yuuri.”

“You’re sure you want to give up your career?” he asked, wanting Viktor to think about this before committing.

“I thought it was what I wanted at the time, but it’s no longer important to me,” Viktor admitted, “I want to remain near the ice, but not competing. I need you and Makkachin and my real friends more than competing. You showed me life and love, Yuuri, please let me show you mine.”

“We can go back to Hasetsu if that’s what you would like,” Yuuri said, “I’m sure Mom and Dad won’t mind if you stay there until you can find your own place.”

“You don’t get it, Yuuri,” he said, “I want to go home with you. Where you go, I go. Where you stay, I stay. Forever. Stay with me, please. I don’t want to ever live without you again.”

“As long as it’s what you want,” Yuuri said, his heart pounding as Viktor's request sunk in,  “It’s a big decision.”

“Viktor and I have both concluded this is the main cause of his breakdown. He’s been able to enjoy life but then returned to Russia and had it fade away though you’re here. We’ve weighed the pros and cons and at this point, I can professionally say it isn’t a rash decision. I think it would be a good move for both,” the counselor said, watching Yuuri nod.

“Well,” he said, lifting his head and grinning at Viktor, “When do we move?”

 

* * *

 

_Epilogue_

They leaned over the railing and watched the gulls dive into the evening water, casting shadows on the darkening water. They stood side by side, Viktor’s fingers laced through Yuuri’s and playing with the gold band on his ring finger. They had been back in Hasetsu for almost two years and it was as if Viktor was living a dream. In all his thirty years on earth, he never had a home until he followed Yuuri to Hasetsu after a drunken dare. While he was in love with the man that night, he had fallen in love with the area and everyone that lived there. He had also grown to love Yuuri more. After the heartbreak and hitting rock bottom in Russia, it was only logical to return home.

They had married six months ago, Viktor promising he would wait until he reached a point in his mental health to not rush into a situation and not second guess every aspect of it. He realized he’d be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life and in therapy as he needed it, but he knew when he was ready to offer himself to Yuuri for eternity.

Their wedding ceremony was small and intimate. Their closest friends and family had attended and celebrated into the wee hours of the morning before the newlyweds retired for the night. Viktor decided to swallow his pride and extend an invitation to Yakov since the man had made him who he was, but when the RSVP came back with regrets it hurt him terribly. Yuuri held Viktor while he cried that night, feeling rejected horribly.

Yakov’s treatment of Viktor had spread throughout the skating community and he had become a pariah. While no one knew how it started, Viktor had a suspicion a certain Italian coach started the rumor. He hated seeing such a talented coach fall like that, but no one deserved treatment like Viktor had endured.

Georgi had retired the same season Viktor had and became a ballet instructor in Moscow. Mila had joined Sara in Italy and trained under her coach. While Yuri floated on his own for a while and practiced when he felt like it, he eventually came to Viktor and demanded to be coached by him. Viktor accepted on the spot.

Yuuri retired the previous season since he had tired of traveling and had a wedding to plan. He wanted to give his relationship with Viktor everything he had, knowing they would have a happily ever after if they worked hard together. They had seen each other at their best and worst, knew they could get through anything life threw at them. While Viktor made a decent salary from coaching Yuri and a couple other skaters, Yuuri wanted to contribute and began to teach beginners children’s classes. Yuuri loved it when Viktor would show off with the last free skate program he designed for his class. The kids were enthralled by the time he finished and always hung on his words that if they worked hard, they’d be able to do even better.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Yuuri asked, squeezing Viktor’s hand.

“I was happy when I came here the first time and stayed with you and your family, but I didn’t know what the future held for me,” Viktor explained, “I decided to try competing and coach you at the same time and bombed at it.”

“Sweetheart, you didn’t bomb. Everything stacked against you and your brain was misfiring,” Yuuri said, “It wasn’t all you.”

“My story,” Viktor teased, grinning when Yuuri rolled his eyes, “Thank you for saving me, Yuuri. You saved me for this. I’m content in my life. I couldn’t ask for anything more as I have everything I could ever wish. Thank you so much, Yuuri. I’m so glad I left that life behind and came back to Japan.”

“I am as well, but you know I would have followed you anywhere,” Yuuri said, “I’ve loved you for a very long time.”

“I know and thank you. I promise to love you for the rest of forever.”

 


End file.
